6 Ways Having a Man is Like Having a Child

My fiance Olivier was out of town this weekend on a trip to Boston to see his best friend from college, who’s visiting from Paris for work. At first I was a bit sad about being at home by myself all weekend. Would I be bored? But then I realized…no. No, in fact I was going to have THE best weekend I’ve had in the city in a while. “I’m going crazy alone in the apartment!!” I told Olivier on the phone Friday night, imagining hours on the sofa watching back-to-back Nashville and Orange is the New Block marathons with a big bar of chocolate and a bottle of wine for company. “You’re going to buy flowers?” Olivier replied. Ha.

Fast-forward two days and my Netflix marathon hadn’t quite panned out (thought I did fit in two episodes of Orange late Saturday night). But my weekend was even better. I planned our destination wedding, researching hotels at the few cities we were interested in to figure out hands-down where we could get the best bang for our buck. I cleaned the apartment — finally all of it (goodbye 3-month-old dust bunnies!). I bought that pair of Lululemon yoga pants I’ve been eyeing, and I went to yoga for the first time in 2 months. And I started this blog, which I’ve been talking about for 5+ years. WoW.

By the end of the weekend, I started to think about all I’d accomplished and realized I’d checked off five times more from my to-do list than I would have on a regular weekend when Olivier is around. And I thought to myself that having a man around is, well, kind of like having a child:

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Yup, that’s my man-child about to spank me for the camera. So while it’s not like I REALLY know what having a child is like (I haven’t actually had a baby, and I’m an only child)…as you can tell we haven’t totally grown out of the kid phase. And since I do read, edit and promote tons of content about parenting young kids for work, I’m starting to get a good idea of what kids are all about — the good and the bad. Here’s how they’re like men:

1. They make lots of little messes. I feel like I’m constantly cleaning up little piles of Olivier’s toys around the apartment: a Playstation controller or guitar on the couch, a pair of shoes by the door, a work shirt hung over a chair, dishes on the coffee table, contact case on the bathroom sink. They’re little, but they add up! Time not picking up = time to work on other stuff, like blogging.

2. They don’t know how to clean up after themselves. If it wasn’t for my nagging, the dishes would sit in the sink collecting mold until we were ready to use them again, and the trash would pile up until we couldn’t get into the kitchen. OK, maybe the second part is an exaggeration…but sometimes it does take the trash smelling like a dead beaver for Olivier to get around to finally taking it down.

3. They need to be entertained. Constantly. I’m a bit guilty of this one too — I love attention, especially from my boy. But Olivier takes it to a new level. I’m often amazed how focused in he gets on whatever he’s doing, whether that’s playing the guitar or chess. I like to sit around and read my book, watch a little trash TV, daydream. The boy can hardly sit still for five minutes without getting antsy and moving on to the next distraction.

4. They could go days without eating. Ever heard of toddler hunger strikes? Sometimes Olivier inadvertently goes on one, sitting on the couch playing video games or coding his new app — and it seems like food is the last thing on his mind. How hard that is for me to understand.

5. They don’t listen. Ever been in the middle of a story and can tell your company is nodding — but their mind is somewhere else (in Olivier’s case, planning a session of cards with the guys, or how he has to call Mom). Then you ask a question, and the reply: “Huh?”

6. But they make the best cuddlers. Truth be told, that’s where a big part of my weekend time goes. And I miss it when it’s gone.

So net-net of my weekend home alone? Olivier was right, I DID go wild…but I’m happy he’s coming back so I can share these:

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2 thoughts on “6 Ways Having a Man is Like Having a Child

  1. Pingback: 5 Reasons I’m Not So Sure Having Kids Is Such a Great Idea | See Girl Write.

  2. Pingback: The Atlantic & Slate Ask: Are Women Changing Men? Yes We Are! | Breaking Blonde

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